Personal Poems

Lost in dreaming

I lie on my bed, one side of the room
You are not that far but it feels like a mile
While I look at you, my passions they bloom,
And I'd give my soul or my life for one smile.

Cause i"m lost in dreaming, lost in fantasy,
that I"m the one for you, and you're the one for me,
lost in wishing, lost in hoping, lost in what can't be.

FOr you are my friend, and I see that so well,
You give me such things as are so hard to give,
But just care's not enough, that I can tell,
To help make a life that is not yours to live.

For my needs are too painfull for you to fullfill,
For longer then weeks, it would hurt you, I know.
And since you're my friend, I can't ask you to kill,
THat gentleness that you're great soul has to show.

I can't stop my dreams, such control is not mine,
but I know they're just dreams and away you will drift,
yet I want you to know at the end of the line,
I'll be sad yet so gratefull this month was your gift.


I love you more then I ever loved me

Waht can I say             of my feelings for you?
That I dream every day,     that I"ll always be true?
that our love is like a tree    that will not ever die?
THat it makes us both free    that it teaches to fly?
But all these cliches        do not tell what is true,
what in the last days        has been growing for you.
If I cut to the core        then this I do see:
that I love you more        then I ever loved me.

Some say you can't love        if you dont' love yourself,
or there is not enough        however deep you delve.
FOr the warmth and the care    will reflect out from you,
without it you can't share,    this they all hold as true.
Is selflove so important then?    Am I worthless without?
Can't I find pride in -you-    when of myself I"m not proud?
I know that's not true        since this I do see:
that I know I love you        more then I love me.

Maybe this way,         with this love deep inside
will show one day        how to feel my own pride.
But that is my fight        and it is not your task.
I need strength to unhide    to let down each mask.
And maybe I will win        and maybe I won't,
But failing's no sin        though fully seeing that I don't.
But this changes what came before, and once I"ll learn to see
cause I love you more        then I ever loved me.



Song for a friend

Friend, I don't know how I should start, seeing all the times we knew,
you have grown so close to my heart, there are not many like you.

You freed my imagination, taught me how it was to fly,
now I know no hesitation, now my dreams are soaring high.

O, you were the first to love me, in a shy and gentle way,
but my fears kept coming to me, and you saw I couldn't stay.

O,my life was dark and cloudy, like an autumn's rainy day,
you were always there to help me, guide my steps along the way.

You talked to me those endless hours, about the things that life does bring,
broke down my defensive towers, and at last I let you in.

You saw me bloom, you saw me grow, I got stronger every day,
though the path was hard and slow, I came back to joy that way.

Now I know that you still love me, although in a different way,
I just hope that you'll be with me, Goddess grant, many a day.

Know the sunlight on your body, know the quiet of the night,
know the salt smell of the wide sea, know you'll never have to hide.

Know the salty tast of sweat when passion burns up within you,
know the grean peace of the garden, that within your mind does bloom.

Know your anger, know your fears, know your joys, know love that's true,
know your sorrows, know your tears, know I'll stay a friend to you.

A Ray of Hope

So often my life is black or grey
I feel like a bird falling down in it's flight
And would I be standing close to it
I wouldn't be able to see any light
    I will fly on wings of gossamer
    I will dance in patterns as ancient as stone
    I'll sing until the roses bloom
    I'll laugh until I'm no longer alone
I really keep fighting for my life
But often these things just will not work out
And other times I will climb up again
And know: a new budding leaf will soon sprout

I'd like to be strong and lo-ving and kind
I would like to fly on the wings of my dreams
But my fears and my worries are weighing me down
To fly isn't easy as sometimes it seems


The truth cuts to the soul

Every time I sing a song I cry for some sweet thing,
every time I find again a strong remembering,
every song I sing has magic hidden at it's core,
and every time it feels like it has not been sung before.
The truth is in each song, if you just look at what is there,
for there has never been one truth, but truths are everywhere,
and every song I sing does have a truth that cuts me deep,
otherwise these songs are not the ones that I would keep.

If you look at what I sing then you will surely know
the truths that I hide deep inside, which I will seldom show.
I cannot help but show my life, my soul and heart to all
because I cannot sing without the clear and crystal call
to tell the truth within each song to all that want to hear,
even if I do not trust or do not like or fear
what they will say or do to me with knowledge of my soul
because by listening to me they feel and know it all.

And some will think me small and weak and not worth anything,
and some will laugh at what I say and my remembering,
and some will use the truths I tell, to bend them far away
from what I see inside and with my songs to others say.
And some will trample all my songs and with that hurt my soul
I've seen all this, but still will not stop showing truths to all
because if someone laughs or cries at what I have to say
then maybe all the pain was not for nothing anyway.

And if you hate my singing, do not tell me, but just leave,
I cannot help it that you cannot see what I believe.
So please be gentle with this heart, that's open o, so wide,
because what would my songs be like if all I do is hide?


Crying

Sometimes my silence cries for me, since I've got no room to yell,
and if you don't listen, if you don't see, you never will know me well.

And sometimes my gestures cry for me, for in them I can controll
the things that I keep tight in me, my pain and my fear for the fall.

And sometimes my songs will cry for me, they weep and wail my grief,
for in that sad story, in that lover's plea, I can find a short relief.

And sometimes my dance will cry for me, the movements they flow like tears,
they flow like the waves, they flow like the sea, they flow like the seasons and years.

But never my eyes will cry for me, it seems I cannot let go,
I will always bear it, and I cannot flee from the pain that in me does grow.

Sharp glittering knives I would cast in your flesh, and then turn them around,
with a gentle smile rub salt in your wounds after that.
Laugh cruelly down upon you as you struggle, with metal thread bound,
and vengeance will be much more sweet then all things I have had.

It makes a dark song in my soul with these words as its whispering tune:
I Hate you! I Hate you! that's all I can think of and more.
And yet in this darkness my hate shines as silver as light of the moon,
as I feel it glitter and shimmer deep down to the core.

And why is She here, She the Moon, She the image of nightmares, Grey Dove,
And whence did that light come? That light that makes shadows so clear?
No light without shadow, no will without weakness, no pain without love,
and all who have hurt me, who still hurt me most, are so dear...



Meeting the Shadow

I am not sure just what to say, and yet I feel I should,
for if I don't, well in that way, lies such despair that could
just paralyze all that I am, if I wait to tell you,
what's hiding now behind the dam, which here in my heart grew.

The waters of my feelings churn, their wildness scares me so,
I feel I dare not ever learn to really get to know
the anger, grief, despair and rage that all in one big flow
might soon break through and set the stage for hate I've never known.

This shadowmonster in my mind I'm so afraid to face,
opposed to all in me that's kind, has hated all its days.
It hates and rages all through me, screams every night and day,
I wonder why I couldn't see what I have kept at bay.

And at the crossroads now I stand, for I cannot be sure
if I should make that beast my friend, and thus hope for a cure,
or keep it under lock and key, and never let it out,
I cannot in the future see what that would bring about.

But keeping it locked up so tight will not work any more,
and it is trying hard for flight, for a wide opened door,
so I fear I don't have much choice but to come face to face,
and listen to it's growling voice, and thus find newer ways.


Advice

the outside is not everything, for grace is in the mind,
even if not everyone will know just how to find
the soul of someone in their eyes, instead of in their clothes,
or in their bodies or their face or how their hair now grows.
A soul is seen in people's deeds, what they to others give,
in how they care for others who also in this world live.


And who am I to tell you this, me who also knows
that people only judge by that what just the outside shows?
I fear I have exactly the same problems as you do,
something that both you and I will every time turn to..
How usefull is advice from one who can't solve this as well?
And yet, I wish you'll find some hope in what I have to tell.

I know if I don't love myself, I shine out all that hate,
and people see that shining out, and recognise the state.
And so they yell 'How ugly..' and they think they judged me well,
but it's my inside, not my outside that made them react so fell.
For if I walk the same street with those people on a day
that I feel good and strong then they have nothing left to say.

And who am I to comfort you, so many miles away?
I cannot even hold you tight, despite all that I say.
All I can do is play with words, and then send them to you,
and hope that is enough, for I know nothing else to do.
And yet, I do feel close to you, if not then in the flesh,
well, then it's surely in the mind, and there we both are fresh.

I know loving yourself is hard, I'm still not good at it.
Remember then to love yourself as once your lover did.
Don't force yourself too fast to try to do too much too hard,
but don't give up on yourself either, and make a new start.
And if you want to talk I'll try to be right there for you,
but to be good at that I'll have to take care of me too.

And who am I to tell you this, because I make it sound
like it is very simple, like you never have been bound,
by other's needs or by the past, or weakness of your will?
Well, I am one who knows this and who's fighting daily still.
You have a lot of work to do, but on my soul I bet
you'll get through this and make a change, and you'll be happy yet.